I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
