We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Who died my cat blue again?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
