its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
