I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
