the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize