What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
