He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
