My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
