So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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