She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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