did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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