we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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