She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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