"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
