hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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