Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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