I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize