I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
