Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
