her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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