just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
