I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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