and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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