The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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