Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize