I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
