Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize