Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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