I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
