first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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