Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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