it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
