I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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