I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize