I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
