You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
