I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The air was thick with penises
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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