A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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