They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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