im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
