he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
