i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
