Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
