sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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