how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
