I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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