Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
