All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
