I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
