There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
