Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
