On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
