I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
