The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
someone threw a dead crab at me
id be glad to
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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